Saturday, October 2, 2010
Me: I guess I’ll run to the store for a few things for tonight’s dinner.
Her: Why don’t you take the kids with you? They’d like that.
Me: Yeah, all right. Have them get their shoes on and we’ll go. See ya in a couple minutes.
Me: What are you doing?
Boy: I’m getting dressed.
Boy: Mom said we need to wear warmer clothes since it’s not even sixty degrees today. So I’m getting dressed.
Girl: Can I wear a skirt?
Me: A skirt? No.
Boy: I thought I’d wear this and some shorts, but Mom said no, so I have to wear jeans.
Me: Well, hurry up, I want to get back before it gets too late, we still have to cook din–
Girl: Can I wear a dress?
Me: No! Get your jeans and shoes on! Where’s your mother?
Me: [Stomping into the other room] What is going on?! Are you ready yet?!
Boy: Mom said I couldn’t wear the shirt I picked out.
Girl: Mommy said I have to wear long pants. And a sweatshirt. I’m gonna get all sweaty.
Me: No, you’ll be fine. Where are your shoes?
Boy: Under the bed.
Me: Not you, her. Where are your shoes?
Girl: Umm… I think they’re…
Me: [Face-palm] Please, find your shoes. Please. Where is your mother?!
Me: [Livid, red-faced and shaking] What the h***’s taking you so long?!
Girl: I can’t find my other shoe.
Boy: Do I have to wear socks?
Me: What are you, a nudist suddenly? Yes, you have to wear socks! Did you look in the closet for your shoes?
Me: [Pause] [Pause] [Pause] Well?!
Girl: Should I look there now?
Boy: Do they have to be high socks, or can I wear low socks?
Me: God, please help me…
The front door thumps open, wife is standing there with keys and grocery bags.
Her: Can you help get the groceries out of the car?
Me: [Eye twitching] You … you weren’t even here? All that time, I fought with … with … them to get ready, and you left? YOU LEFT?!
Her: [Wink/smile] Aren’t you glad we had babies?
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