When I sit down to watch a movie, I really need the movie to be worthwhile. I mean, let’s be honest here; I don’t have a lot of time. I work like most of you and when I do have free time I have to make sure it’s not wasted on stupid things. I spend time going through friends’ blogs, I go through email, and I go through my gReader. Throw in dinner, and soon (!) working out, and movie watching time is a precious commodity.
So the last thing I want is to sit through some lame rom-com or “comedy” which isn’t funny.
I like horror movies, monster movies, Sci-Fi of all kinds. I like giant monster movies when they’re well done and I loved Cloverfield. Not the best movie ever made, to be sure, but it’s fun and it was well-done.
I liked District 9 for similar reasons. And offer almost anything with good computer animation and I’m in.
So I found this movie from last year called Monsters and I was intrigued.
When we went shopping for our second TV back in February, the store kept broadcasting this little mini-feature about this movie. In one scene, just a flash, really, giant squid-like tentacles come out of a lake and pull a dilapidated fighter jet under. My kinda stuff. Images of “night-vision” cameras showed these tentacles swoop down from on high to pull pick-up trucks and armed soldiers to their doom.
When I spotted it on NetFlix, I figured “Oh, I’m so in on this!”
My wife didn’t object to my watching it, so I cued it up and let it go.
And an hour and a half later I felt I’ve irretrievably lost an hour and a half of my life. Oh my good Lord in Heaven, what a frickin’ waste of time and celluloid THAT piece of crap was.
First, they give you a money shot of the monsters almost right out of the gate. Then, you don’t get to see them again until very, very late in the movie. Supposedly these things are from the frozen wastes of our solar system somewhere (ask any astronomer and they’ll tell you Europa has life under the ice layer, probably), but they’re thriving in the deserts of the southeastern US and northern Mexico. They come from Europa, which is essentially a huge, well-irradiated ice cube with no dry land visible through the ice, and no possible vegetation which isn’t surviving on either geothermal energy or the blasting radiation from Jupiter, and yet they come here to a planet a few hundred degrees (F) hotter than theirs and not only thrive, they’re huge. Like, building-sized huge. With tentacles, of course.
And not only do they thrive in what would amount to an oven for them, they also breed. But not just any ol’ breeding, these aliens lay eggs in trees. Yep. The trees of the tropical mountains of Mexico are covered with things similar to shelf mushrooms.
So, creatures which have never seen trees, know nothing about trees, are now laying eggs in trees and basically taking over the world. A huge wall erected around the US isn’t sufficient to keep them out either. And while earthlings know sidewinder missiles kill these things, we still have to chase them with machine guns first. Otherwise what opportunity is there to be eaten and picked up and such?
The movie ends where it began, which doesn’t do much to hold the viewer’s interest. If there’s a real story besides two people trying to get home under the most ridiculous situation imaginable (I mean, it was so bad I laughed), I couldn’t find it. There was a theme, a message to be sure. But I don’t want to have political propaganda shoved down my throat in my movies. I want to watch a movie. And when it’s a movie called Monsters, I darn well want to see some Monsters. If you’re not going to deliver that, you’d better have near-porn quality sex scenes in your movie. And guess what? This didn’t.
So I give it an eight on my suckitude scale. Lots of potential, but no delivery.
Stay away from it. It’s monstrous. Ugh.