I am so horribly homesick lately. I have no idea why.
Since the holidays, I’ve been under a general malaise and can’t seem to break the inertia. I have no clues as to what or why this is the case, but Lord Almighty, it’s a tough rut to jump right now.
I no sooner get to work than I want to go back to bed. I stare at the code I wrote a few months ago, and I can’t make heads or tails of it now for some reason. It’s like…well, like a foreign language, pardon the pun.
I guess I’m not being honest. I think a lot of this stems from really enjoying my time at home and not having anything going on at work which sparks creativity or excitement for me. What I see, I don’t like. What I have to do, I don’t want to do. What I need is a shot in the arm, or a kick in the pants, to get me going.
But I get here, and all I want to do is go back home, crawl into bed, and sleep for a hundred years.
Chemical imbalance? Maybe. I don’t know for sure. Might also be SAD, but I don’t tend to get that often. This winter seems more brutal than others for some reason. Maybe because I’m older. Maybe because it’s been a while since we’ve seen sustained sub-zero temps like we’ve had this year. Maybe it’s because there’s been more snow than in years past. I…just don’t know.
In 2011, I think, we had a major storm. I can’t remember rightly, but I thought we had another in 2013. Why did this year’s major storm feel so much harder-hitting? I guess maybe because I’m getting softer. Softer in the middle, softer between the ears, softer in the heart. Who knows?
The alarm feels harsher. The cold seems to bite deeper. The drudgery seems longer, deeper, thicker. So I sit here and surf the Internet, stare at the same code I’ve been staring at all week hoping something new will trip, trigger, ignite in me. I read blogs of friends but don’t feel much like commenting. All I want to do is hide away and get paid for staying home and being lazy.
Ugh. Terrible days. It’s hard to pass this way. I need to get things done. I have pressures and deadlines and want to have a great review in August, like I did last year. But man alive, I just…can’t get there this week. Or even last week.
Lord, help me get through, please. I just don’t it in me right now, and I need Your strength to buoy me along until I get my legs under me again.
How about you guys (all two or three of you)? Feeling winter doldrums, or something like I’m feeling right now? I could stand to hear from you and commiserate.