Eleven more people were let go from work yesterday. Eleven people. Out of work, now, in this disastrous economy, with winter only about half over.
It shouldn’t come as a shock, but it does. It does, and has the same lingering effect as a punch in the gut.
I wasn’t one of those eleven, thank God Almighty for His grace and mercy there. But that won’t be much comfort to those who are reeling, because none of them saw this coming. None of them did anything but hunker down and do their best to stay positive and upbeat and give what they could to their jobs.
But in the end, starved for income, our company will as an entity do whatever it can to survive, even if that means chopping off its own limbs and eating them. And that’s what this feels like.
Most of the time, I’m a victim of this sort of action. Like I said, it’s only God’s grace and mercy that I haven’t faced it, and maybe I won’t. But I feel a tension, and I’m unnerved. And getting to be like that jackrabbit again. Twitchy. Jumping at shadows. Scared I’ll be hauled in next.
My boss flew down to North Carolina to do the dirty deed to the one person we had to let go. We can’t afford to let any others go right now. Except…maybe me. I don’t know, from a business perspective, how “essential” my function here is.
Even though I’m nervous, I felt for those people. I was a bit out of sorts yesterday, trying to deal with the idea. Fear and sadness in a weird mix that left me unsure what the hell I was feeling. So many swirling emotions, empathy, sympathy, relief but not hope…it was dizzying.
I’ve been too often where they are, and unless there is abundant provision from God, I could very well get there again.
So more living like a jackrabbit. At least for now. I don’t know how to even get over that, and when I start to feel I can, something goes south like this and I realize I can’t. I just can’t be secure, comfortable. And it makes me want to scream.
Then again, is anything really secure? Ever? Even high-ranking officers for companies which are usually stable aren’t always safe. More than one has been ushered out and didn’t really see it coming. So this is life; there is nothing safe. Nothing secure.
Time will show what happens here. But I feel completely and utterly helpless and unprepared, despite how much I’ve grown since I’ve been here. It’s never enough, and I still fall short because of time and other interests. (Yeah, I don’t love spending my free time learning new programming languages and technologies. Sue me.) But I suppose at some point those have to take a back seat to what matters and what pays.
*Sigh* Carrots, anyone?